I remember in my younger days. I didn’t know exactly what bipolar disorder or mania was. In the beginning I would go into these deep depressions. I would listen to dark music because it fit my mood. Then here we go, mania time! ! I was piped and ready to take on the world. Mania has ideas that start coming on very fast. I had this increased amount of energy. I had little need for sleep.. I was always so ‘happy, and great to be around at parties. When I was in college I was an honor student, won major scholarships that would have paid for my future education. I was president of ‘everything.’ The ideas were coming in fast; I felt I could achieve anything. I think I started over 17 businesses over the course of a few years. I was so busy starting new businesses, because it was such a higher priority, that I could not finish any of my other ‘projects.’ Then the mania stops, I found myself in the chaos I had created. Now there are far too many ideas. My mood becomes overwhelming and confusion replaces clarity. My mood shifts from joyful to increased irritability, anger and hostility. My world just stopped.
During my last semester of college it all came tumbling down. All the things I had worked so hard on, not just for me, but also for the school, and our program. It was then I had learned some of my classmates seeing me in my best mania, believed I found myself superior and saw myself as being better then they were. In all honesty, in my mania, I did believe I was superior. Now, I could the barely keep up the pace I had set for myself. Now I am in a corner, crying at times, wondering what I was I going to do next. I felt like people were waiting for me to fail.
Praise God, I made it through and graduated. Despite my disorder, I graduated with honors. Now, I had to put my life back together. I was a wife, mother of 3 beautiful daughters and now a college graduate. I wasn’t diagnosed bipolar at the time, so I tilted to extreme to one end of the pole to the extreme opposite end. Now that I have a name for my ‘craziness’ (Please don’t take offense. I am just referring to what I felt). Now I have a name, bipolar disorder. Now I can begin the wellness process. There were a lot of crisis events during that time, but now that I am on my medical regimen. I don’t have to be afraid. I know there will be scary times, even times when I don’t feel safe to care for myself and have to be hospitalized.
If I can stay grounded (DLT) and focus on my thought patterns (CBT), keep up with my meds and doctor/therapy visits. The world seems like a different place. My family had to put up with me in good and bad times.
I dedicate this blog to my mom, Christine D. Thank You for loving me the way I am.